Well, it has been a moment! Let me me explain my hiatus. I’ve been hiding from myself for the longest time. Hiding from my creativity, from my gifts, downplaying everything I have to offer in exchange for distrust and crippling imposter syndrome. As I sit at my desk, dipping a croissant into my coffee, listening to the crooning of Frank Sinatra, I'm transported to a distant chapter of my life. To 20 year old Katey, moving to Paris to begin her contract at the Moulin Rouge in Paris. For this young woman, it was a time of many firsts. First time moving out of home, first professional dance contract, first time moving countries, first time standing on her two shaky legs all on her own and I'm now blown away by her courage, but would never have admitted that to myself at the time, I would have downplayed it all.
The other night at dinner, my beautiful friend so proudly told her partner, (who was also a dancer,) about my time there and immediately, in an air of dismissal, I downplayed it. Imposter syndrome barged in and sat right down and with this I felt like a turtle retreating into its shell. I immediately referred to the fact that it was such a long time ago, and that I'm old now and I no longer dance. Thinking about this, it's what I've always done. Even when I was working at this world renowned venue, I downplayed the whole thing. I allowed my imposter syndrome to take the lead. Why do we do this? Who are we trying to fit in with by staying so small? And are they even worth disowning ourselves for? Looking back, I wish I had taken those small pockets of time to land in the moment and tell this younger Katey how proud I am of all of her achievements, no matter how large or small. Because let's face it, some days, just rolling out of bed is a big achievement! But because in life, we are taught to always think about the next step, the next chapter, the next mountain to climb, we completely skim over these important affirming moments. The more I grow and expand, the more I realise how necessary it is to swaddle our inner child with pride and elation and celebrate every victory.
These last few years have been an epic journey of expansion and transformation for me. The more I evolve, the more I realise this innate burning desire to be free, to be completely uninhibited by toxic thoughts, outdated beliefs, stories, patterns and illusions that keep me small. And boy, have they done their job! It may not appear as obvious from the outside but on the inside it's a battle ground. I've noticed as these old layers of me begin to fall away and as I allow myself to shine a little brighter, experiences, relationships or encounters will appear to test my resolve, to challenge the work I've put into myself. Don't get me wrong, catch me on a vulnerable day and I will fall apart like shattered glass, but I've learned to fall in love with this empathetic, sensitive part of me. I've come to realise that not everyone has the capacity to feel as deeply as I do, and that's ok. It doesn't make me wrong or annoying as I've told myself so many times in those moments I break down (which are frequent!)
Even as I write this, I can hear her voice, “Why are you writing any of this? What's the point? No one’s going to care about what you have to say. You’re not creative, you’re wasting your time. Just give up already and binge watch some Netflix.” And truthfully, this is what I’ve done in the past. I've turned my back on myself and my creativity time and time again because I've obligingly allowed my imposter syndrome to run the show. It wasn’t until recently when I had a session with my mentor that she said at the end, “It’s time to get to work”. And she offered me some homework; to do something courageous that feels authentic to me in the name of creativity. So this is what I’m doing in honour of that moment, in honour of myself.
The word that has been showing up for me this week and that I have offered in my yoga classes is RECLAIM. So I am writing this as an act of reclamation of my creativity and all the parts of myself, all of my gifts that I have neglected, discarded or turned away from in exchange for staying small, being ruled by fear and feeling like an imposter.
As I choose myself and lift the veil that has been draped over my creativity for too long, I can feel life being breathed back into me, I feel the energy of life pulsing through my body, like a baby taking its first breath. I feel more me, more whole, more radiant. And it feels so damn good. And now I’m beginning to comprehend that this is the point; to create for creations sake, for no one else but yourself, in honour of the vibrant being that you are.
So, get those coloured pencils out and colour outside the lines, for creations sake! (Did you see what I did there? For Pete’s sake, get it? 🙃)
Until next time,
Katey x
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